Tuesday, June 29, 2010

White Flag

Tuesday, June 29, 2010
That's it. I'm done.
Done waiting.
Done trying.
Done hurting.
Done crying for nothing.
Done for waiting for that hopeless, useless, and disappointing tomorrow.
I give up.
There really is no reason to stay.
Well, good-bye.

Friday, June 11, 2010

...

Friday, June 11, 2010
I'm so tired of sleepless nights.
Of restless sleep.
Of never-ending nightmares.

I'm scared. I'm trying not to be.
I just need to have my mind straight.
I just need to think clear.

Is there still hope for me?
Today, I feel like I'm in a better mood.
I just hope it lasts for once.

I really need to talk and finally get it out of me.
Because inside I'm already dying.
I need to do this.

The Ugly Truth p. 1

"Three things that cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."
And that is so true. I'm so tired of pretending that it's ok when it's not. I'm so tired of being the one getting hurt. And I'm so tired of smiling like a hypocrite because it just continues to break my heart.

"If you keep trying to be everything you're not, you're going to miss out on who you're supposed to be."
Well, I won't anymore. Putting up a fake front is soooo tiring. And it's not worth it. The only fear and hope I have is to find the strength to be who I really am and to find out who I am.

"Sometimes it's easier to pretend than to admit that it's killing you."
It really isn't. Because pretending only kills me more. It satisfies at the beginning, but goes no where in the end.

"If you don't understand my silence, then you'll never understand my words."
What more is there to say?

"Life is full of fake people. But before you judge them, make sure you aren't one of them."
Well I won't be judging them. I know I have been a GREAT BIG FAKE with my whole life. And it's not worth it anymore.

"Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn't."
Well, I think it's all clear to me now. And I'm not gonna continue to stand around here and pretend everything's ok. It's time to stop listening to all those other voices and start to find mine and listen to my own.

"Only the mind can make the right decisions. But the heart decides for your happiness."
Well, listening to my heart didn't turn out quite as I expected. My happiness is causing other people's happiness, and I just can't take that. I'm not that important anyways.

"People can live one hundred years without really living a minute."
That's what I've been doing so far these past 16 years.

"You cannot hate other people without hating yourself."
I don't need to hate other people. I hate myself too much that there isn't really any hatred left for anyone else.

"Hearts are broken by words unspoken."
Then my heart is hopeless.

"I fell in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time."
What more is there to say? Oh, I can never be loved back.

"You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did."
Ha! Don't we all wish this was true? Cause a broken heart is enough to kill.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
But life is so messy. My easel looks like a crappy mess, not a masterpiece.

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."
I guess it's just not my time yet.

"Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart."
And sometimes, it's not just a secret.

"You never know what you have until you lose it. You always know what you have, you just never think you'd lose it."
I'm losing everything, my mind, my heart, my soul, even myself.

"Sometimes you just have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to."
I'm hanging by a thread. My fingers are slipping and it's slowly starting to break.

"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be."
Did I need to be in this place and situation? If so, can anyone explain why?

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
It's really hard at the moment. I can't even seem to find 10. Why is it that when things go wrong, we get so muddled and distracted into our problems we forget everything good in life?

"I know what I have given you. I don't know what you received."
I don't think you get it at all. Have I not given enough?

"Most of the trouble of the world is caused by people wanting to be important."
Is it so much to ask to be important in your life?

"There are two great days in a person's life--the day they were born and the day they discover why."
So far, I don't like these two days. One I wish didn't happen, and one I'm wondering if it ever will.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought."
What was I thinking?!

"Tears are words the heart can't express."
I don't know what else there is to say.

"Be mindful of what you toss away. Be careful of what you push away. And think hard before walking away."
Do you even care? Do you still even want me? Cause I can't find anymore reason to stay.

"One of the hardest things about life is having words in your heart that you can't just seem to mutter."
The heart is so easy to give, but also so easy to hold back.

"A man's errors are his portals to discovery."
What am I supposed to be discovering through this? That I'm a horrible and selfish person who doesn't deserve anyone or anything? Thanks.

"You only live once; but if you do it right, once is enough."
Well, I am failing miserably right now. I think I lost my chance.

"Experience comes from bad judgement."
Wasn't there any other way?!

"The time is always right to do what's right."
I would love to fix this. But I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't know what's right these days.

"In seeking truth you have to get both sides of the story."
Care to share and save me?

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
But how can you tell and share something that you can't even describe to yourself?

"Everything has been said before; but since nobody listens, we have to keep going back and beginning all over again."
Wow, how true this is.

"Some people just want to run away. Not because things are bad. Or 'cause there's something to run away from. It's because there's nothing in particular that's keeping them staying."
If you want me in your life, tell me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dun Dun Dun

Wednesday, June 9, 2010
This is getting really bad and out of hand.
I am slowly starting to NOT care.
And it's terrible.
For you, and for me.
"Love stops when you stop caring." OUCH.
But I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to try or keep going.
And you're really not giving me any reason to.
I don't like this feeling at all.
I never thought it would end or even come to this...WHY?!
I really don't want our situation to get worse..it's already bad as it is.
Please, can we both find a way to just start over again?
I really don't know ANYTHING anymore..
And thoughts of SERIOUSLY giving up, not just on us but also on life, are ligering back into my mind...and that's not good at all..
But what can I do? What can anyone do?
HELP..before it's too late...

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Believe in Me

Saturday, June 5, 2010
For once I would just like to be sure of something.
But I guess that can never be.
It's just how life is..a big mystery.
You can have all things planned and it can change in a blink of an eye.
But I'd like to at least have a clue.
I'm so tired of being scared.
I just want to do something to get me out of this dilema.
It feels as if I just keep sinking, and I'm slowly starting to drown.
And no matter how much cries of help I make, it seems as if no one can hear them.
Or no one is listening.
I just want to know myself.
I used to, but now I'm not so sure.
I've completely lost myself somewhere along the way.
I'm not sure if I can find it..
I just want to start to believe again.
Believe in Me.
Trust in Me.
Just be ME!
I'm so tired of pretending.
Of being someone I'm not.
Of putting up a front.
Of hiding my real thoughts and feelings.
Of hiding the real me. If that is who I am..
Cause this feeling inside me won't go away.
It just continues to eat up my heart and soul.
And I'm just in pain..and I don't know what to do.
Is it really me, or is it you?
I thought I'd never do this.
I can't believe I'm even thinking about it again.
But it's the only thing that keeps playing over and over in my mind.
I think I will give up..

Friday, June 4, 2010

Regrets

Friday, June 4, 2010
I thought I made the right choice.
I followed my heart for once.
I forgot all thoughts and all worries and just let my feelings decide.
I took the chance. I took all the risks.
I gave it all.
But nowadays, I just wonder.
Was it really the right thing to do?
Was it all really worth it?
When I made that decision I had no thoughts of these.
I really thought it would all work out.
I thought this path would be cloudless and shining with a rainbow.
But now I'm not so sure.
All my mind and heart is now just filled with doubt and uncertainty.
And it seems as if I just keep losing more hope..
And the regrets are starting.
Why, how, when did it come to this?
 
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