Friday, July 9, 2010

There Will Be Tears...

Friday, July 9, 2010
I thought I would cry a river..but up to now I haven't even shed a single tear.
I just CAN'T CRY! ME! The marshmallow! It's really weird, and it's kinda making me scared.
I don't want to suddenly burst and turn on the waterworks at a public place.
But I have this HUGE sinking feeling that they will come out at the most unexpected time and in the most crowded place. FML. ==;
I just want to cry to at least let some of this crappy junk out..but I really can't. Why?!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Broken

Sunday, July 4, 2010
I never really knew how broken felt like...until now.
Well, right now I'm just numb and dumbfounded.
I still can't believe what happened, but it did. What's done is done.
Now I just have to learn how to face tomorrow.
HELP?
I feel so wrenched inside.
My heart actually hurts to the point that I feel the pain in my chest!
And it's not just my heart that feels broken, everything else does.
No matter what I do, I just can't get it out of my head.
So I'm not okay. I don't think I will be anytime soon.
Someday, just not today.
"When someone is special to you, they become a part of you. That's why if you lose someone, you lose a part of yourself."
I feel like half of me is gone.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Love?

Friday, July 2, 2010
Is this what love is?
You can't stop thinking about him.
You wonder if he thinks of you. Or if he even knows you exist!
You just want to see him. For him to talk to you.
You want him to notice you.
You just want him close and have him for yourself.
You can't stand how he's always with another girl.
You get sad because he doesn't even notice how you feel.
About him.
How much he means to you.
How much he changed your life.
How that goofy smile melts your heart.
How his happiness is enough to make you sacrifice anything for it.
How you'd do anything for him.
Just to have him close and hold him.
If this is love, it's complicated. And it's not just heart-warming, it's also heart-wrenching.
Is this love?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

White Flag

Tuesday, June 29, 2010
That's it. I'm done.
Done waiting.
Done trying.
Done hurting.
Done crying for nothing.
Done for waiting for that hopeless, useless, and disappointing tomorrow.
I give up.
There really is no reason to stay.
Well, good-bye.

Friday, June 11, 2010

...

Friday, June 11, 2010
I'm so tired of sleepless nights.
Of restless sleep.
Of never-ending nightmares.

I'm scared. I'm trying not to be.
I just need to have my mind straight.
I just need to think clear.

Is there still hope for me?
Today, I feel like I'm in a better mood.
I just hope it lasts for once.

I really need to talk and finally get it out of me.
Because inside I'm already dying.
I need to do this.

The Ugly Truth p. 1

"Three things that cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."
And that is so true. I'm so tired of pretending that it's ok when it's not. I'm so tired of being the one getting hurt. And I'm so tired of smiling like a hypocrite because it just continues to break my heart.

"If you keep trying to be everything you're not, you're going to miss out on who you're supposed to be."
Well, I won't anymore. Putting up a fake front is soooo tiring. And it's not worth it. The only fear and hope I have is to find the strength to be who I really am and to find out who I am.

"Sometimes it's easier to pretend than to admit that it's killing you."
It really isn't. Because pretending only kills me more. It satisfies at the beginning, but goes no where in the end.

"If you don't understand my silence, then you'll never understand my words."
What more is there to say?

"Life is full of fake people. But before you judge them, make sure you aren't one of them."
Well I won't be judging them. I know I have been a GREAT BIG FAKE with my whole life. And it's not worth it anymore.

"Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn't."
Well, I think it's all clear to me now. And I'm not gonna continue to stand around here and pretend everything's ok. It's time to stop listening to all those other voices and start to find mine and listen to my own.

"Only the mind can make the right decisions. But the heart decides for your happiness."
Well, listening to my heart didn't turn out quite as I expected. My happiness is causing other people's happiness, and I just can't take that. I'm not that important anyways.

"People can live one hundred years without really living a minute."
That's what I've been doing so far these past 16 years.

"You cannot hate other people without hating yourself."
I don't need to hate other people. I hate myself too much that there isn't really any hatred left for anyone else.

"Hearts are broken by words unspoken."
Then my heart is hopeless.

"I fell in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time."
What more is there to say? Oh, I can never be loved back.

"You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did."
Ha! Don't we all wish this was true? Cause a broken heart is enough to kill.

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
But life is so messy. My easel looks like a crappy mess, not a masterpiece.

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."
I guess it's just not my time yet.

"Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart."
And sometimes, it's not just a secret.

"You never know what you have until you lose it. You always know what you have, you just never think you'd lose it."
I'm losing everything, my mind, my heart, my soul, even myself.

"Sometimes you just have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to."
I'm hanging by a thread. My fingers are slipping and it's slowly starting to break.

"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be."
Did I need to be in this place and situation? If so, can anyone explain why?

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
It's really hard at the moment. I can't even seem to find 10. Why is it that when things go wrong, we get so muddled and distracted into our problems we forget everything good in life?

"I know what I have given you. I don't know what you received."
I don't think you get it at all. Have I not given enough?

"Most of the trouble of the world is caused by people wanting to be important."
Is it so much to ask to be important in your life?

"There are two great days in a person's life--the day they were born and the day they discover why."
So far, I don't like these two days. One I wish didn't happen, and one I'm wondering if it ever will.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought."
What was I thinking?!

"Tears are words the heart can't express."
I don't know what else there is to say.

"Be mindful of what you toss away. Be careful of what you push away. And think hard before walking away."
Do you even care? Do you still even want me? Cause I can't find anymore reason to stay.

"One of the hardest things about life is having words in your heart that you can't just seem to mutter."
The heart is so easy to give, but also so easy to hold back.

"A man's errors are his portals to discovery."
What am I supposed to be discovering through this? That I'm a horrible and selfish person who doesn't deserve anyone or anything? Thanks.

"You only live once; but if you do it right, once is enough."
Well, I am failing miserably right now. I think I lost my chance.

"Experience comes from bad judgement."
Wasn't there any other way?!

"The time is always right to do what's right."
I would love to fix this. But I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't know what's right these days.

"In seeking truth you have to get both sides of the story."
Care to share and save me?

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
But how can you tell and share something that you can't even describe to yourself?

"Everything has been said before; but since nobody listens, we have to keep going back and beginning all over again."
Wow, how true this is.

"Some people just want to run away. Not because things are bad. Or 'cause there's something to run away from. It's because there's nothing in particular that's keeping them staying."
If you want me in your life, tell me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dun Dun Dun

Wednesday, June 9, 2010
This is getting really bad and out of hand.
I am slowly starting to NOT care.
And it's terrible.
For you, and for me.
"Love stops when you stop caring." OUCH.
But I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to try or keep going.
And you're really not giving me any reason to.
I don't like this feeling at all.
I never thought it would end or even come to this...WHY?!
I really don't want our situation to get worse..it's already bad as it is.
Please, can we both find a way to just start over again?
I really don't know ANYTHING anymore..
And thoughts of SERIOUSLY giving up, not just on us but also on life, are ligering back into my mind...and that's not good at all..
But what can I do? What can anyone do?
HELP..before it's too late...

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Believe in Me

Saturday, June 5, 2010
For once I would just like to be sure of something.
But I guess that can never be.
It's just how life is..a big mystery.
You can have all things planned and it can change in a blink of an eye.
But I'd like to at least have a clue.
I'm so tired of being scared.
I just want to do something to get me out of this dilema.
It feels as if I just keep sinking, and I'm slowly starting to drown.
And no matter how much cries of help I make, it seems as if no one can hear them.
Or no one is listening.
I just want to know myself.
I used to, but now I'm not so sure.
I've completely lost myself somewhere along the way.
I'm not sure if I can find it..
I just want to start to believe again.
Believe in Me.
Trust in Me.
Just be ME!
I'm so tired of pretending.
Of being someone I'm not.
Of putting up a front.
Of hiding my real thoughts and feelings.
Of hiding the real me. If that is who I am..
Cause this feeling inside me won't go away.
It just continues to eat up my heart and soul.
And I'm just in pain..and I don't know what to do.
Is it really me, or is it you?
I thought I'd never do this.
I can't believe I'm even thinking about it again.
But it's the only thing that keeps playing over and over in my mind.
I think I will give up..

Friday, June 4, 2010

Regrets

Friday, June 4, 2010
I thought I made the right choice.
I followed my heart for once.
I forgot all thoughts and all worries and just let my feelings decide.
I took the chance. I took all the risks.
I gave it all.
But nowadays, I just wonder.
Was it really the right thing to do?
Was it all really worth it?
When I made that decision I had no thoughts of these.
I really thought it would all work out.
I thought this path would be cloudless and shining with a rainbow.
But now I'm not so sure.
All my mind and heart is now just filled with doubt and uncertainty.
And it seems as if I just keep losing more hope..
And the regrets are starting.
Why, how, when did it come to this?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Can't Get No Satisfaction

Sunday, May 30, 2010
You are easily please and satisfied..
I'm not...I'm always left wanting..
WHY ME?! Why can't I be like you??!!
Maybe I just need a distraction..hmm :3

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Road Block

Thursday, May 27, 2010
Just when I thought I had it all figured out..
Just when it seemed like things were finally looking up..
Just when I thought I can handle it and fix the situation..
I am yet again faced with another road block.
Why?
Why does it seem as if when i finally get a break, another bad thing happens in my life?
Or is this even a bad thing?
Or is it just the ugly truth that I can't and don't want to accept?
I've been putting off these feelings, but I can't hold them any longer..
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Am I just being selfish and controlling?
Or is this something that's really serious now??
I've never noticed this change.
But now it's killing me.
It's not the same as before.
I'm different now, and so are you.
What happened? To you, to me, to us?!
Is this all just my imagination? Or have I really, FINALLY gone insane?
All I know is that if I don't find the answer soon, I will seriously GIVE UP.
Now I guess I'll just let time heal it all and observe. Then I'll find a way to pass this road block.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

U-Turn

Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Life is slowly getting better.
I guess I really just have to look at it with a different point of view.
I just have to stop over-assuming and thinking of useless "What Ifs".
I'm just killing myself.
I guess I have to learn to share and not to mind. I WILL REALLY TRY.
And I guess I can't stop trying and I can't give up..I just can't.
I just have to learn to be a better person. Get through this.
I'm really thankful my friends have my back. LOVE YOU GUYS! Without you, I won't be here.. o.O
I really hope this summer will be the summer of change for me.
I need this. I need a new start.
I have to start fulfilling what I was meant to do and finally do something with my life.
I see a great reward in the future. I just hope that I don't let myself get in the way of my greatness.
Wish me luck.
I'm taking a U-Turn and I WILL CHANGE MY LIFE. Watch me.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Unwanted..

Sunday, May 16, 2010
How can I be wanted by others that I never wanted to have? And to them, I'm they're everything...it's crazy and scary...I never thought I'd see the day when I don't want any admirers..But they're getting out of hand..

But what really sucks is they REALLY want me...but with you, I greatly doubt if you even want me at all...

Why is that? How could that be? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Right now with you I feel like I'm uninvited and unwanted..or at the very least, not important..
But I know I'm just being selfish..I'm already lucky to have you..But why do I feel this way? I'm so sorry..you don't deserve me at all..It's just that I thought when you have someone in your life, they become your everything...but as of now, I feel like I'm just..nothing.

Odd One Out

Do you have that feeling that you don't belong? Like you're just a third wheel? Or what about unwanted company? Sometimes (well, recently most of the time) that's how I feel...
Like I'm just invading or bothering everyone else's space. It feels like people are around me cause they're just trying to put up with me..not because they want to.
I'm also always everyone's last choice. Everyone has their buddy. I always end up last one standing...alone.
Is it true? Or is it just me and my complicated imagination? Hmmmm...

Hmmm..?

5-12-10
----------------------------
Life is so ironic...it's like a girl..Full of moodswings, a total roller coaster ride. Can't life get a life?!

That stupid line keeps getting longer..I am seriously considering wearing a paper bag over my head or start becoming meaner...I'm tired of all this junk and drama with boys...I WILL GIVE UP ON THE MALE RACE SOON...just one more and I am seriously gonna snap! UGH!

Life is also confusing at the moment...I can't wait for summer..do a little soul searching. Isolate myself. To find myself. I seriously do NOT know anything anymore. All I can say is just I'm breezing through life ATM.

And I'm super worried about my friends. Gosh. Why did all our lives get complicated this year? And why all at the same time? It's like war and attack on all of us. Compiled problems are not good. It brings everyone down and just adds to all the drama.

And so far, I'm still under the storm. It feels like I haven't even reached the half-point yet..Gosh when will that peace and calm come?! I don't know if I can survive any longer..I'm thinking of giving up the oars and stop rowing. Trying is hard. I'm so close to giving up. The clouds are just too thick for any light to be shown.

What is wrong with me? Hmmmmm...?


?

5-8-10
---------------------
oh that feeling again..where did you come from?

why are you back? go away. i don't want you here to stay.

why?! why when everything started to finally look up for me?

am i the only person allowed to not be happy? am i the only person not allowed to make mistakes?
i'm so tired of being perfect, good, nice...i don't want to care anymore.

i'm dying on the inside...i'm going to go insane soon.

why? why is it always me?

i'm losing it. i'm losing myself.

why out of all the times, NOW?

and how come it seems like i'm always the one going through this...

i can't take it anymore..i see no hope. no rainbow. no sunshine. i see NOTHING.

and i'm so afraid...
and there's no one to help me.
 
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